Why Women Don’t Want Sex: Real Talk About Desire, Disconnection, and Reclaiming Intimacy Together

You’re not broken because you don’t want sex right now.

But that’s probably not how it feels.

Let me guess: You love your partner. You want connection. You just don’t want that kind. And maybe you don’t know why. Maybe you’re wondering if something is wrong with you, or your relationship, or your body. Maybe your partner is wondering, too.

Let’s pause there.

Because this is where so many women start spiralling into guilt, into shame, into silence.

But here’s the truth that doesn’t get said enough:

Desire is complex. It’s not a switch. It’s a system.

And for women, that system includes everything from hormones and cultural values to sleep schedules, stress loads, and whether or not your partner helped clean the kitchen last night.

As a couples therapist who has worked with hundreds of women and couples over the past 20 years, I want to have an honest, human, and judgment-free conversation with you about why sex might feel like the last thing on your mind, and what you can do about it.

Let’s Start With the Lies

From the time we’re young, we hear all kinds of contradictory messages about sex.

Be sexy, but not too sexy.
Want sex, but don’t talk about it.
Wait for him to make the first move.
If you initiate, you’re desperate (or worse).
If you don’t want it, you’re frigid or broken.

It’s exhausting. And confusing.

Many of the women I see in couples therapy and individual sessions carry this heavy, invisible weight. They were never taught that it’s okay to want sex. Or to not want it. Or to want it differently. They’ve been told to suppress their needs. To ignore their curiosity. To “just do it” to make their partner happy. Or to “figure it out” alone.

That doesn’t lead to desire. It leads to distance — from your body, your partner, and yourself.

But This Isn’t Just In Your Head

Let’s talk about your body for a second.

Hormones play a huge role in desire. I’m not just talking about estrogen and progesterone. Women need testosterone too, and when it’s low, libido takes a nosedive.

This can happen after childbirth, during perimenopause, post-menopause, or even earlier, depending on your biology or medications.

Antidepressants (especially SSRIs) are notorious for lowering libido. Birth control pills, chronic fatigue, and even low levels of iron or B vitamins can leave your body too depleted to think about sex.

If you’re feeling chronically tired, disconnected, or just “off,” talk to your doctor. Get a full physical. Ask about hormone levels. Consider seeing a naturopath or integrative physician if hormone replacement therapy isn’t your thing.

This isn’t about blaming biology. But if your body isn’t on board, desire can’t show up, no matter how much you love your partner.

It’s Also About Life (Yep, the Boring Stuff)

If you’re managing kids, aging parents, work deadlines, meal planning, and remembering everyone’s dentist appointments… guess what?

You’re probably not strolling into the bedroom with a glass of wine and spontaneous seduction on your mind.

Mental load kills desire. Full stop.

Many of the women I work with say things like:

• “By the end of the day, I just want to be alone.”
• “He wants to have sex right after I’ve cleaned up from dinner and put the kids to bed.”
• “I feel like I’m just one more thing on the to-do list.”
• “At the end of the day, I am too tired and I don’t want to be touched.”
• “The kids will hear us.”
  
  Sound familiar?

If you want to shift the sexual dynamic in your relationship, you have to shift the workload. Share the parenting. Share the housework. Say no to that fifth birthday party this weekend. Cancel something. 

When you spend all day putting everyone else first (your kids, your boss, your parents, the endless to-do list…) you’re often putting yourself, and your relationship, dead last. And over time, that pattern chips away at intimacy. 

It’s hard to feel connected, let alone sexual, when you’re running on fumes. You might not even realize how much emotional labour you’re carrying until you’re lying in bed, touched out, checked out, and too tired to even think about what you need.

But relationships can’t thrive on leftovers. If you’re always last in line, so is your connection.

Desire needs space to breathe.

The Relationship Itself Matters

Desire doesn’t thrive in resentment.

It doesn’t show up when you feel emotionally dismissed.
Or criticized.
Or physically exhausted.
Or emotionally unsafe.

I’ve seen this over and over again in couple therapy sessions:

• She pulls away because she feels unseen.
  
• He interprets that as rejection.
  
• He gets frustrated and demands more.
  
• She feels pressured and shuts down.
  

That cycle continues until someone gets help,  often through couples therapy, or couple therapy for one sessions. And that’s okay. Sometimes, one person starting therapy is what gets things moving again.

If you’re asking, “What is couple therapy like?” or “What to expect from couples therapy?” — it’s this: a space to be honest without blame. A space to be vulnerable without shame. And sometimes, a space to name the patterns keeping you stuck.

Trauma and Pain: the Things We Don’t Talk About

Some women don’t want sex because it hurts.

And I mean that literally.

Pain during sex is more common than people think, especially after childbirth, trauma, or medical issues like endometriosis. Sometimes it’s due to dryness or lack of arousal. Sometimes it’s trauma stored in the body.

Before sex, don’t skip the warm-up. Arousal isn’t just about mood, it’s also your body’s way of preparing. When you feel mentally and physically turned on, your body naturally produces lubrication and your muscles begin to relax. That makes sex more comfortable and enjoyable. 

If you’re not there yet, that’s okay. It’s more than okay to ask your partner to slow down or to focus on what helps you get there. Foreplay isn’t extra: it’s essential. And communicating what feels good isn’t selfish; it’s how connection grows.

You can also try things like pelvic floor physiotherapy, over-the-counter lubricants, or ask for medical help. Therapy is also an option. Especially with a sex therapist who understands the mind-body connection.

If you’ve experienced sexual abuse, you are not alone. And you are not broken.
Healing is possible, but it takes time, and often support from both you and your partner. Many couples find that marriage counselling or family counselling services help create a sense of safety where desire can eventually return.

It’s Not About Performance

Let’s talk about the pressure to perform.

A lot of women describe sex as “routine” or “meh.” It’s not bad. It’s just…fine.

They know exactly what’s going to happen. It’s over in 10 minutes. Nothing wrong, but nothing exciting either. And they start to check out.

Here’s where I recommend sensate focus exercises, a tool we often use in sex therapy to rebuild connection without pressure.

Start with non-sexual touch. Take turns exploring each other’s bodies without the goal of orgasm. Just notice what feels good. What makes you laugh? What feels awkward?

Also? Schedule sex. I know it sounds unsexy. But when life is chaotic, planning for intimacy is a gift, not a chore.

Tip: Start the day with a small act of connection. A loving text. A cup of coffee made without asking. That “sex date” starts long before you hit the sheets.

Communication: Say It Out Loud

You’re not a mind reader. Neither is your partner.

If you don’t know what feels good? Explore. Masturbate. Learn.
If you do know what feels good? Say it. Gently. Specifically.

I promise, sharing what you need is not criticism. It’s a collaboration. And if your partner hears it that way? Bring that into therapy.

Mindfulness exercises can also help reduce anxiety around sex. They also help take the stress away from the day, so you can be in the moment when having sex. So can relationship counselling online if getting to a session in person feels impossible right now. There are amazing counsellors online who can help.

So, What Now?

If this blog felt like reading pieces of your own story, I want you to know something:

You are not broken.
You are not alone.
You are allowed to want more (or less) or something different.

Whether you’re exploring couples therapy sessions, looking for a sex therapist, searching “counseling near me” at midnight, or just trying to make it through the day with your sanity intact, there’s a way forward.

You might start with a mental health therapist.
You might reach out to a relationship counseling center.
You might book a sex therapy session just to see what it’s like.

But the most important thing? You start.

You start the conversation.
You start the care.
You start by saying: This matters. And I do, too.