How Different Therapy Styles Heal Relationships: An Interview with Vaughan Relationship Centre
Thinking about couples therapy but unsure where to start? You’re not alone.
Many couples know something’s not working—communication feels tense, emotional connection is missing, or conflicts keep repeating—but choosing the right kind of support can be overwhelming. When you Google terms like “psychotherapist near me” or “psychotherapy Vaughan,” you’ll see a flood of options. CBT, DBT, EFT therapy, the Gottman Method… it’s a lot.
That’s why I sat down with the experienced therapists from the Vaughan Relationship Centre to break it all down. Whether you’re struggling with panic disorder, social anxiety, emotional disconnection, or just want better tools to live in harmony with your partner, their insights will help you understand what’s out there.
Q: Let’s start with the basics. What’s the core focus of CBT, DBT, EFT, and the Gottman Method?
Amanda: “CBT, or Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, focuses on changing distorted thought patterns and behaviours. It’s very head-up, if you will. DBT, or Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, builds on CBT with a focus on mindfulness and emotional regulation. It’s great for people with intense emotional responses.”
Jace: “EFT is all about attachment. It helps couples see what’s really driving their conflict. It’s less about the fight over the dishwasher and more about feeling unloved or unseen. The Gottman Method, on the other hand, gives couples structured tools to build friendship, manage conflict, and create shared meaning.”
Neera: “Each method has strengths. DBT is great if there’s high emotional reactivity—maybe even signs of BPD. It helps individuals regulate before diving into deeper relationship work. EFT highlights vulnerability. It brings out emotion without blame. And Gottman gives tangible, clear tools couples can use right away.”
Leslie: “CBT is one of the oldest therapy models and focuses on the connection between thoughts, feelings, and behaviours. It’s especially helpful for addressing distorted thinking and emotional dysregulation. DBT builds on that by adding emotional regulation and interpersonal skills, which is great for individuals or couples dealing with intense emotions.
EFT centers around emotional bonds and attachment. It helps couples identify and express vulnerable emotions, fostering deeper connection. It’s especially effective when emotional safety is a concern.
The Gottman Method is highly structured and research-based. It emphasizes building friendship, managing conflict, and creating shared meaning using practical tools and communication strategies.
In short: CBT helps reframe thoughts and behaviours. DBT supports emotion regulation and relationship skills. EFT strengthens emotional bonds through vulnerability. Gottman gives couples tools to improve communication and rebuild connection.”
Melissa: “EFT helps to uncover unmet attachment needs as well as fears (we all have some!), by identifying a couple’s negative interactional cycle and promoting acceptance of each partner’s experience, and then using corrective emotional experiences and bonding events to deepen the connection.”
Q: With so many approaches, how do you decide which to use in therapy?
Amanda: “Honestly? It depends on the couple and the therapist. Some people can’t tolerate vulnerability right away. So we might start with something behavioural like CBT or Gottman. If there’s trauma, or deep emotional pain, EFT is usually a better fit. I use what I call a therapy toolbox. Every couple is different.”
Jace: “Same here. If a couple’s constantly fighting and overwhelmed by emotion, I might pull in DBT to help them slow down and regulate. If they’re feeling like roommates and missing that emotional connection, I turn to EFT. For long-term couples stuck in criticism and defensiveness? That’s where Gottman shines.”
Leslie: “Same for me. It really depends on the couple’s needs.Most clients don’t walk in asking for a specific therapy method, they come in with a concern and a desire to feel better. It’s the therapist’s role to assess the relationship’s strengths and challenges and determine the right approach (or blend of approaches) to use. Depending on where the couple is emotionally, we may start with more structured tools from the Gottman Method or CBT, then move into deeper emotional work through EFT as trust builds.”
Melissa: “While I incorporate elements of CBT into my therapy, particularly around challenges with anxiety, when it comes to therapy for couples I find that EFT is the way to go. It helps couples to understand each other and the reasons they behave the way they do. The great thing about EFT is that it can be adapted to different couples and their pace and comfort level. I believe that every couple can benefit from an EFT approach.”
Q: Let’s talk real life. Can you share a story where one approach made a big difference?
Jace: “I worked with a couple where one partner felt completely ignored after work. He’d get angry, and the other would shut down. Through EFT, we uncovered that his anger was masking fear of rejection, and the partner’s withdrawal came from old relationship trauma. Once they could say things like, ‘I need reassurance,’ instead of blowing up or retreating, everything changed.”
Neera: “I often see couples in their late 40s to mid-60s. The kids are grown, and now it’s just the two of them, sometimes for the first time in years. That disconnect can feel overwhelming. Sometimes I start small, like with one positive habit they can reintroduce. Then, once they feel safe, we go deeper with EFT or Gottman.”
Q: EFT is known for getting to the heart of emotions. Can you talk about how that helps?
Amanda: “In our culture, we’re taught to be independent, but relationships require connection. People often feel ‘not good enough,’ ‘alone,’ or ‘helpless.’ These feelings drive how they show up in the relationship—maybe with anger, maybe by shutting down. In EFT, when you share those raw emotions and your partner says, ‘I’m here, I love you,’ that changes everything. Emotional safety is the glue.”
Jace: “Exactly. A fight over dishes usually isn’t about dishes. It’s about feeling unappreciated. When partners can identify and express those deeper needs, the tension drops. You stop fighting the symptoms and start addressing the cause.”
Leslie: “ EFT is ideal when partners are emotionally distant or struggling with deeper attachment issues. It’s a powerful for couples or families who want to deepen emotional understanding. It works well when the issue involves attachment, disconnection, or unresolved emotional pain. ”
Q: And the Gottman Method? How do “love maps” and “bids for connection” help?
Amanda: “The Gottman Method focuses on building and repairing a couple’s friendship and love. It also emphasizes a couple’s shared meaning. It focuses on regulating negative interaction patterns, changing behavioural interaction patterns, and creating shared meaning.”
Jace: “Love maps are about knowing your partner—what they’re stressed about, what they dream of. It builds emotional intimacy. Bids for connection are those small moments: ‘Look at this meme,’ or ‘Did you see the rain today?’ When a partner constantly misses or ignores these, it erodes connection. Teaching couples to respond to those bids can be a game changer.”
Q: CBT and DBT are often seen as more ‘clinical.’ How do they work in couples therapy?
Amanda: “CBT helps couples understand their thoughts and challenge negative ones. Like, if someone always assumes their partner doesn’t care, CBT helps them find exceptions and reduce anxiety. DBT is great for managing the body’s stress response: deep breathing, mindfulness, learning that it takes 20 minutes to calm down physiologically. That pause can prevent so many fights.”
Q: Can couples mix therapeutic methods?
Amanda: “Absolutely. We all do it. It’s like building a house: you don’t use just a hammer. Sometimes you need a screwdriver too.”
Neera: “When a couple asks for a specific method, I ask why. That tells me a lot. Their goals, their self-awareness, it’s all useful. But no one method fits everyone. We adjust based on what the couple needs at that moment.”
Q: For people not ready for therapy yet, are there ways to start incorporating these ideas at home?
Amanda: “Start with CBT-style reflection. Pay attention to your thoughts and reactions. Are you catastrophizing? Are you assuming bad intentions? Also, try validating your partner’s emotions. Say things like, ‘I hear you saying you felt ignored. That makes sense.’ You’d be amazed what that does.”
Neera: “Journaling is powerful. It helps you understand how your thoughts shape your reactions. And mindfulness doesn’t have to mean yoga. Try a body scan or guided relaxation. The goal is to stay present.”
Melissa: “Try to use mirroring (“I hear you saying _________”) and validation (“Knowing you like I do, it makes sense that you would feel _____________”) even if you don’t fully understand or agree. You can also try using ‘I feel’ statements instead of ‘You make me feel’ statements.”
Q: Are there misconceptions that keep people from trying these therapies?
Amanda: “Yes, lots. People think EFT is too emotional, or that DBT is only for extreme cases. Or that CBT is too surface-level. Truth is, none of them are magic. You have to show up, do the work, and be willing to fail and try again. Therapy isn’t about fixing your partner. It’s about understanding yourself so you can be a better partner.”
Jace: “Also, therapy is not just for crises. Think of it like a tune-up for your relationship. Waiting until things are falling apart makes it harder.”
Melissa: “Sometimes people worry that they will be blamed for all of the problems in the relationship. Especially if their partner tends to blame them. But a Therapist is a neutral third party who understands that virtually all relationship problems are a result of both partners’ contributions, and instead of pointing fingers, it’s about promoting understanding, acceptance and responsiveness.”
Q: What’s your advice for someone curious about couples therapy but unsure where to start?
Amanda: “Just book one session. See how it feels. You don’t have to commit forever. Just start. Let the therapist guide you. And don’t expect change overnight. These issues didn’t start yesterday, and they won’t disappear by tomorrow. But progress is possible.”
Neera: “Come in early. Therapy at the start of a committed relationship can set you up for success. Learning communication styles in relationships, how to argue fairly, how to stay emotionally connected… it’s all easier when there’s no resentment built up.”
Leslie: “And remember, each method is just a tool. What matters most is that you feel heard, understood, and supported by your therapist.”
Melissa: “Exactly. Sometimes just sitting in a room with someone who demonstrates compassion and listening, as well as a new set of eyes and ears, can be helpful, and can ease you into the therapeutic process.”
Relationships are complicated. But therapy doesn’t have to be.
We understand that starting therapy can feel vulnerable. That’s why our approach is grounded in compassion, evidence-based methods, and real connection. At Vaughan Relationship Centre, you’ll find experienced professionals ready to help you feel seen, supported, and empowered, whether in person or through online therapy.
If you’re looking for a therapist near you, affordable counselling, or a therapeutic counsellor who can guide you toward healing, reach out today. Let’s find the approach that fits you best and take the next step toward living in harmony.