Building trust within your relationship is an integral piece to keeping it healthy. When trust is broken, however, it can be very difficult to rebuild. The idea of keeping a secret from the one you love can be seen as something negative and trust-breaking, but is it really? Some secrets may have good intentions and be best kept to yourself, while others are not. Read on to learn when it’s ok to keep something to yourself and when you should share with your significant other.
When is it ok to keep a secret from my partner?
Every person deserves a level of privacy, even from your other half. Some secrets are ok to keep to yourself, but it really isn’t one size fits all. So how do you know what is best to keep to yourself? It really does depend on how the secret affects the person you’re in a relationship with. Ask yourself: will they be in danger if they know or don’t know? Will it affect their personal life? Could this situation negatively affect our relationship or my partner directly? Would they be hurt if I didn’t tell them? If you can truthfully answer “no” to these questions, then chances are the secret is ok to be kept to yourself.
Petty or innocent situations such as a crush or your family’s opinion on your partner will usually do more harm than good. Unless your partner or family has done something that greatly affects the other and a resolution needs to be mediated, it’s usually best to keep that piece of information to yourself. It would likely just hurt your partner’s feelings and could really change the dynamics of your relationship when it’s not necessary. As for a crush, as long as it is kept innocent, platonic and is not acted upon, it’s usually ok to keep to yourself. If it isn’t affecting your relationship or how you feel about your partner, a crush is innocent and completely normal – we are human after all.
What secrets should I share with my s/o?
While it may be hard to tell your loved one a secret that has been keeping you up at night, avoiding sharing a secret because you don’t want to face the responsibility that comes along with it can cause major problems within the relationship. This is also usually a red flag that it is something that will greatly affect your partner’s life, such as financial issues. Withholding important information in these situations can also be manipulative and break foundational trust. Consider how your partner would feel about your secret if they found out with you telling them. Would they be more hurt because it didn’t come from you? If you feel they would, or feel guilty for withholding information, chances are that’s another red flag and your secret should be shared.
Some information bound to be hurtful no matter if you keep them to yourself or share them with your partner, but these are a few that should never be kept secret:
- An affair
- Job problems or job loss
- Addiction use or habits
- Legal problems
- Lending money
- Lying about how you spend money
- Not paying bills
- Revealing an illness or medical issue
- Seeing family or friends in secret
At the end of the day keeping or sharing a secret is about trust. Will it be broken if you keep the secret from your loved one? Will it be broken if you tell them? Both might be the case, but being honest as quickly as possible can help make rebuilding trust a little bit easier.
If you’re struggling to find the right way to share your secret with your partner, or if you’re trying to rebuild and repair your relationship after a secret is exposed, reach out to us. We can help you work through the issue and rebuild any lost trust. Visit us at https://vaughantherapy.ca/contact/.